Amanda Jill

  

In Memory of Amanda Jill Berreth

I thought I would write about something a little bit personal today on my blog. Twenty-five years ago today, March 15, 1993, began a process of purifying and healing like none I had ever known.

My husband and I had a little baby girl March 13, 1993. I had an emergency c-section and was put under so my husband had the joy and privilege of seeing our little angel face first. I awoke to Jim kissing my cheek announcing the birth of our baby girl, Amanda Jill. Since this all happened so fast, after she was born, he decided to run home, shower, and change so that we could enjoy our little bundle of love together once I awoke more fully from the effects of the anesthesia. Everything to him seemed perfect. His beautiful baby little girl was healthy and rosy cheeked, and his wife was recovering well from an emergency c-section.

Fast forward two hours or so.

When Jim reentered my room, he was silent. He silently held me and then began to cry as he told me that our baby was very, very sick, and they were not sure what was wrong. Our hearts were broken. We held each other and prayed.

I wasn’t allowed to hold her. Not yet. They were trying to figure out what was wrong. We were allowed to hold her tiny little hand through the small incubator hole, but by this time there were so many tubes and a respirator connected to my little princess that I really couldn’t tell what she looked like. But she was precious. From what I could see, she looked healthy, bigger than her premie sister had been when she was born two years prior, lots of dark hair like her oldest sister, and pink. I just wanted to hold my baby. My arms ached. My heart hurt. My emotions were raw.

Jim and I visited with her for several hours singing to her – “Jesus loves you, this I know” and “Oh, Lord, You have been good.” We clung to each other, and we clung to our Lord.

Late that night Jim returned home to sleep, so I too could get some sleep since I had just had a c-section. The plan was for him to return early in the morning.

Of course, I couldn’t sleep so I visited my sweet girl in her high tech sterile room, and we held hands while I whispered “I love you” to her over and over.

A few hours later, in the middle of the night, it was determined by the doctors that a more aggressive treatment was needed. By this time they concluded that she had a rare infection that typically newborns do not get, and her body was not responding to the antibiotics being given to her. They thought that the best, really only option, was to have her treated with something that one so young (34 weeks in development) had never had done before (because the risks were so high to tiny, premature veins), but they accepted her because her prognosis for living otherwise was already in great question. The doctor began to explain a procedure using an ECMO machine which would clean her blood. So our little one, Amanda Jill, was whisked away by a Life Flight helicopter, to be taken from Valley Presbyterian Hospital in Van Nuys, CA to Huntington Memorial Hospital in Pasadena, CA.

I never thought that I could endure a time like this – especially alone. In this great big hospital, in a tiny private room, I felt helpless – with every fear imaginable flooding my head. I prayed. I sang songs of praise and worship to my God in my head. I prayed some more. Encouraging scripture ran through my thoughts. I opened to the Psalms and read. I prayed.

The phone rang. It was a technician/nurse from Huntington Memorial. He assured me that the ECMO machine was amazing, and that it would… At that moment, in my spirit, I felt as if the Lord was speaking directly to me saying that this little baby would join me in heaven, not here on earth, regardless of the boasts of this new technology. She is not yours to keep. Everything the man on the other end of the phone was saying should have given me hope like nothing else could, but in my heart I knew at that moment that Amanda would join her Heavenly Father soon. I hung up the phone and weeped. I cried before my Heavenly Father, and I felt His compassion and strength overwhelm me. He was preparing me. He was loving me in the midst of my pain. I didn’t understand, but it was not for me to understand yet or probably ever in this lifetime.

About 2 hours later… I received a phone call that Amanda had taken a turn for the worse. I just wanted to be with my baby. She was alone. I needed to be with her, but how? I had just had a c-section, and protocol then was that I shouldn’t be released from the hospital for another day or more. No sooner than I hung up the phone, God sent two dear friends into my room. One was a nurse who just happened to be visiting in the area from New York, and the other was the best administrator ever who lived nearby. They walked in together even though they came to visit independently. I shared the latest with them, and they disappeared to the nurses’ station. Before I knew it, I was released from the hospital and riding in a car with them to see Amanda. Diane, the nurse, assured them that she could care for me, and Gloria took care of all the necessary paperwork. I had nothing but a nightgown, bathrobe and slippers. It was truly an answer to my prayer so that I could go to be with my baby. It was also amazing that I had zero pain from the c-section.

In the meantime Jim arranged for my sister, Laura, who was caring for our toddlers, Emily and Bethany, to meet him at the hospital as well so that we all could be together as a family for the first and probably last time. In the midst of horrific pain, there was immense blessing. We all met. I held my baby girl, Amanda Jill Berreth, for the first and last time. We sang to her. We kissed her little hands and face. We answered questions that Emily and Bethany had. We said our goodbyes. She lived in my womb and died in my arms. “We will see her in heaven, Mommy!” “Yes, Emily, we will see her in heaven.”

Theses are the words that my dear husband shared at her memorial on March 19, 1993.

Two and a half years ago, Sue and I were told that conditions were such with and around the child she was carrying that the baby could not possibly last another three weeks let alone make it another four months to full-term. We, and many of you – literally hundreds of people around the country – chose to pray rather than to abort the pregnancy. Then a miracle occurred. The absolutely “irreversible” conditions changed to essentially normal – in two weeks – even prompting one specialist added to the case to deny everything he had read and pictures he had seen in her chart up to that date. We were still warned by the doctors that the development difficulties had occurred in a critical development period which would not allow the baby to live more than a week after birth. Eleven days ago we celebrated the second birthday of Bethany Jane – born and living a normal life against all odds and expert medical opinions. We and many of you can say, “Praise the Lord God, for He is good!”

Two weeks ago, Sue’s regular prenatal checkup revealed a big, strong, baby girl due to be born in about six weeks – completing a very healthy, normal pregnancy. Within the week Sue’s water broke, and the next morning an emergency cesarean section was performed because the baby was in severe distress. 24 hours later a culture revealed a bacterial infection which is nearly undocumented as ever occurring in a newborn infant. And in spite of the most highly sophisticated, life saving technology and physicians available anywhere in the world, much, much too soon, the doctor told us that our baby in our arms, Amanda Jill, had passed away. And I stand before you today to say, “Praise the Lord God, for He is good“.

How can I do this? Well, we just sang about trust in Jesus. Romans 8:28 reads, “and we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.” I can’t answer the “why,” and I don’t know all the good this may accomplish. What I do know is that the love response of all of you to Sue, myself, and our family is completely overwhelming and very, very much appreciated. Sue was reading through Psalms yesterday when she came across Psalm 125. Verses 1&2 read, “those who trust in the Lord are as Mount Zion, which cannot be moved, but abides forever as the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his people from this time forth and forever.” We know that the Lord has provided you as our mountains to surround us in this time of loss and to protect our faith from attack. And we thank you very much.

Let’s pray –

“Father, I thank you for your love and faithfulness. I thank you for showing that love through your people. I thank you that true Christianity may be seen, not as portrayed by Hollywood and the news media, but as Jesus said in John 13:35 – “by this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another”. Thank you for the love you have provided for us to help us endure in this time of crisis in our lives. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

This is the song that Jim sang to Amanda over and over, and the one that the Lord used to minister to our hearts.

Oh Lord, You have been good
You have been faithful to all generations
Oh Lord, Your steadfast love
And tender mercy have been our salvation
For by Your hand we have been fed
And by Your Spirit we have been led

Oh Lord, for by Your hand we have been fed
And by Your Spirit we have been led
Oh Lord, Almighty God
Father Unchanging, Upright and Holy
Oh Lord, You have been good, You have been good
You have been faithful, You have been good

So why do I share this so publicly, now? Well, because there might be someone out there that needs healing, needs hope, needs to know the grace and strength of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Often I hear remarks that seem to assume that our family’s lives have been “perfect”. I assure you that is not the case. We have known many heartaches, failed miserably, been forgiven much, stumbled in our faith, lived in the desert, felt isolated, cried uncontrollably, questioned often, etc, etc.

But God.

Life is full of difficulties and grief. Frankly, I really don’t know how people do life without Jesus’ Holy Spirit living within them. Apart from Him I can do absolutely nothing – John 15:5.

He is the only reason I can breathe today. He is the only reason why I can look through all of these memories and yes, shed some tears, but also continue on in hope. I trust I will see my little Amanda one day, along with all of the other loved ones I have known, who have known Jesus as Lord and Savior, including my dad.

This life is just a shadow of what is to come. Our best, most grandest day in this lifetime holds nothing to what eternity will be like living in communion with our Heavenly Father.
After Amanda died, it was hard. There were days that I couldn’t breathe because my heart hurt so much. But my husband and I clung to Jesus, to His living Word, and to each other as we moved forward day by day. The body of Christ, the church, also surrounded us with their love, care and concern. God used that time to grow my faith in Him, to cleanse my heart from past issues, to renew my hope and heal my wounds. He taught me to wait on Him. Isaiah 40:31

We don’t know all the why’s in the hardships in life, but we do know the One who says, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and You shall find rest for your souls. For My yolk is easy, and My load is light.”

Psalm 62:5-8
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah

My prayer for you is that you know, really know, the One who brings true hope.